Tim Vine Quotes: top 50 famous quotes about Tim Vine

Tim Vine Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Tim Vine quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" — Tim Vine

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. — Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... — Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. — Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust. — Tim Vine

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. — Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' — Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. — Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off. — Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. — Tim Vine

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. — Tim Vine

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. — Tim Vine

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. — Tim Vine

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' — Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. — Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' — Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." — Tim Vine

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' — Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. — Tim Vine

I was reading a book ... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. — Tim Vine

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' — Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. — Tim Vine

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' — Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". — Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. — Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. — Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. — Tim Vine

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out — Tim Vine

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. — Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. — Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. — Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." — Tim Vine

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. — Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. — Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. — Tim Vine