Sex Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Sex Humor

Sex Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Sex Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I asked my interior designer to give me something appropriate for defiling virgins. — Nicki Elson

There are few things in life that are worth waking up to: sex, the dark spices of freshly brewed coffee and bacon. — Dannika Dark

No more sex.
I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that? — Wendy Higgins

Do I look like I want to be eaten alive after sex? — Nalini Singh

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour? — David Bischoff

Yes, one of the benefits of being embarrassingly rich is that you find out if you have syphilis much earlier than the average peasant would. — Abigail Barnette

We always had the greatest arguments over sex and fishing. — Douglas Adams

Never be afraid to be sexy! — Alysha Speer

How does hanky-panky translate to sex? Who comes up with words like that?"
"Probably people who don't have sex — J.D. Robb

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield

What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance? — Chuck Lorre

You think sex is dirty. You have a dirty mind. — Christopher Pike

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore. — Nenia Campbell

Uhm, Kevin ... "
"Be quiet, or I swear to God I'll take you right here."
Yes, this was definitely Forced Sex.
Thank goodness. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

If I ever have sex with someone I might be able to develop a sense of humor. — Kate Beckinsale

You're the only kick-ass general I know who needs three gay boys to dress him, John."
"But I only need one gay boy to undress me. — Sarah Black

Today I will masterbate!
Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written Today I will masterbate
if I want to! — Al Franken

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

Colin: "1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex." He looked truly puzzled. — Nina Bangs

Cara, in the lead, came to a halt beside them, looking from one to the other. Still with the clothes, Lord Rahl? — Terry Goodkind

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen

If it had been great sex I doubt I'd remember he tooted between thrusts. — Laura Castoro

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that? — Alice Clayton

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff? — Marquis De Sade

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go. — John Cage

Why are all you hets all so intercourse-centric? There's a lot more to sex than sticking it in and wiggling it around. — Anne Tenino

I hope you nail the bastard."

So does he. — Nenia Campbell

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder. — J.Leigh Hunter

I don't know who tried to teach him what to do in the bedroom, but it must have been a furniture salesman. — Alice Walker

Sex with the gorilla went on a bit, but once he'd stumbled over my clitoris we both had good times. — Sue Townsend

The cybernetic operation?"
"No, the sex change."
The doctor's smile faltered.
"I'm joking. — Marissa Meyer

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. — Woody Allen

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex. — Andrei Codrescu

I wish," I said. "I could save orgasms in a jar for when I need them, because I think I have a few extra. — Charlaine Harris

Just because I like to suck cock doesn't make me any less American than Jesse Helms. — Allen Ginsberg

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws. — Karl Kraus

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. — Steven Wright

You know what it's like, finding eight middle-aged guys having tantric sex with ostriches? — Warren Ellis

I can count all the lovers I've had on one hand ... if I'm holding a calculator. — Sebastian Horsley

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned. — Susan Block

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop. — Jacob M. Appel

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date. — Jacob M. Appel

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I don't want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into. — Nalini Singh

Me: I think we should have sex again.
Royce: Bad idea.
Me: Why?
Royce: I want more from you than sex.
Me: Goodbye, you prudish bastard. — Gena Showalter

I'm good at blowjob. — Lauren Baker

The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code — Josh Stern

I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!! — Junnita Jackson

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia. — Jimmy Carr

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. — Tallulah Bankhead

Don't put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today. — Emma Chase

That was not sex. That was naked poetry. — Hank Moody

A man's sexual organ is penis and woman's sexual organ is brains. — DK Publishing

You are quite possibly the least smooth guy I know," she mumbled. "You can't even put your arm around me without tripping up. — Lish McBride

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar. — Richard Kadrey

Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships. — Sacha Baron Cohen

I'm not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car. — Nicki Elson

You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me. — Jennifer Crusie

Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did. — Kurt Vonnegut

Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your - — Avery Aster

If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us? — Tina Fey

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first"
"Yes"
"Well, it's truer in bed than it is anywhere else. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Dalia picked up her negligee. She didn't need my help, it wasn't very heavy. — Philip Kerr

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off? — Parker S. Huntington

When I was a kid my mom used to tell me that if i have sex before i was married, my ... junk would turn black and fall off. — Cynthia Hand

Can't even sleep through the night without you and those sun-dried ginger ale complected limbs crocheted into my thighs ... — Brandi L. Bates

You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church? — Liliana Hart

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way. — Laurell K. Hamilton

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well. — Elizabeth Gaskell

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity.
- RJPeters — R.J. Peters

My grandmother said sex was the best gift God ever gave to mankind-I think it is over rated. — Brenda Kay Winters

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality? — Nicki Elson

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable — Josh Stern

Life is like a dry handjob. Just when it starts getting good, it's already over. — Jayme K.

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it's prodigious trappings ... — Brandi L. Bates

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex. — Kazuo Ishiguro

On our second date, she kissed me in a bar. I invited her home. We just caught the F train, which seemed like a good omen. — Alison Bechdel

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed. — Alison Larkin

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that means
Poor Justin! — Sarah Strohmeyer

Women need a reason to have sex; men need only a place. — Nelson DeMille

The only mingling that interests me at the moment is the mingling of our genitalia. — Laurelin Paige

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people — Tommy Cotton

He wrote that if great sex were necessary to make babies, humans would be fossils by now. — Randi Hutter Epstein

Who needs men when they can have chocolate?
Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that — Trisha Ashley

Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women. — Dermot Davis

I'm fresh out of fucks to give. — Tucker Max

People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh? — Hector Himeros

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm going to make you feel so good," I swore to her, "that you're going to not just scream my name, but forget yours. — Shay Savage

And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you. — Kurt Vonnegut

I'm not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I'm always asked to be the one to first give up the tit. — Karen E. Quinones Miller

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day. — Evelyn Waugh

My stomach flipped. I stopped. This guy was trending in my mind big time. — Luella Christie

Some women barter their bodies like whores with wedding bands. Some use sex like a sword. But some women can touch a man and heal like Jesus. — Paula Wall