Need Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Need Funny

Need Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Need Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it. — Anna Banks

The best time to make friends is
before you need them. — Ethel Barrymore

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother. — Katie McGarry

Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that. — Kyle Adams

After a long moment, Laurent said, I'm going to need some help standing up. — C.S. Pacat

I will call Guido if i need to — Amanda Stephan

I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping. — Christy Leigh Stewart

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! — Craig Ferguson

You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body. — Sean Michael

What a welcome sight. You know, it's funny how often people forget that presidents need to eat, too, President — Suzanne Collins

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. — David Sedaris

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. — Chelsea Handler

Funny how a woman can be bold as an army when there's a need fer it, and yet so gentle. — Jodi Picoult

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. — Logan Pearsall Smith

People like you are the reason People like me need medication. — Cheyenne McCray

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. — Trevor Noah

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. — Dennis Miller

Fuck You!' [Oskar said] 'Exuse me!' [His mom said] 'Sorry. I mean, screw you.' 'You need a time-out!' 'I need a mausoleum! — Jonathan Safran Foer

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here? — Janet Evanovich

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. — Woody Allen

Don't do it gurl," he said with a wink. "You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend's husband's dick now drop it. — Ethan Day

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice. — Bill Cosby

Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combined
with the imperative of accomplishing nothing. — Alexander Theroux

It's funny how you can go for a long time in life not needing someone, and then you meet them and you suddenly need them all the time — Meg Wolitzer

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. — Janet Coleman

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing. — Bill Shankly

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell

I have no future,' said Hanno. 'I need no prophecy. You talk too much, woman. — William Nicholson

How do you know you're a mom? If you never have a Kleenex in your purse when YOU need it? L. R. W. Lee — L.R.W. Lee

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom. — John Green

Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go. — Shannon K. Butcher

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. — John Wayne

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. — Rowan Atkinson

So you do read the papers. Usually kids your age need a bomb up their backsides, but it's good to see you've got your wits about you. — Cecelia Ahern

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus." — Mitch Hedberg

I need one more bass less. — Eugene Ormandy

I don't need a personal trainer ... I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I'm not supposed to! — Tanya Masse

I have 4 kids already, I don't need anymore. I'm a single parent. I'm taking them through Europe and make them play funny instruments. — Ville Valo

No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it. — Jessica Day George

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin? — Frank

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. — Mike Birbiglia

Four different kinds of Tater Tots?" I felt overwhelmed by culinary confusion. "Why would anyone need so many? Chili. Sweet potato. Blue? — Rick Riordan

The presidency has a funny way of making a person feel the need to pray. — Barack Obama

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle — Josh Stern

Matthew Watkins: I need an afternoon pick-me-up. I accept cash and/or prizes that can be exchanged for cash. Also, hobbits. — Jessica Park

I need a hug from you to make me feel better about the fact I need a hug from you. — Stephanie Rowe

That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife. — Moby

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account ... — Hiroko Sakai

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. — Ade Bozzay

Would I laugh?"
"Matter of fact, you would," says Zeb. "Heart like shale. What you need is a good fracking. — Margaret Atwood

No need to continually insist upon your unshakable masculinity. — Veronica Roth

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. — Jerry Seinfeld

It's funny. Writing is a solitary task, but in order to succeed at it, you need other people. — Kim Wright

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, I don't need a pardon. I need a job.' — Conan O'Brien

I think it's love.'
'Funny.'
'I'm serious.'
'And your support for this is ... ?'
'A feeling.'
'You need more than that. — Doug Dorst

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in. — Bauvard

O, Need's a funny fish: it makes people untruthful. They all suffer from it, but they will not always admit. — Salman Rushdie

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you. — Groucho Marx

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. — Wendy Liebman

...she thought how funny that the first thing you didn't need was the words you said. — C.E. Morgan

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend. — Jimmy Fallon

So I need to lay down some ground rules."
"Rules for the use of the ground?" He's gazing out the window. "Am I still allowed to step on it? — Eva Morgan

His deepest need was that people should like him. An admirable trait that; in a spaniel. Or a whore. — Michael Dobbs

I'm not against people just being funny or telling stories. I don't need to delve into the soft, dark core all the time. If it happens, it happens. — Marc Maron

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut. — Warren Buffett

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm going to need to save you."
"Excuse me? No one needs-"
"I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful. — Kelley Armstrong

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy's lap was already creepy enough. We didn't need to mix alcohol into it. — Richelle Mead

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months — Josh Stern

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce. — Ann Landers

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up. — Lynda Barry

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family. — Jeff Foxworthy

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby". — Ronald Reagan

Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. — John Sandford

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either. — Clifton Fadiman

When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop. — Alan Perlis

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. — Terry Pratchett

It's a funny thing about love: you don't need to have it returned to love somebody. Loving's enough.
A Prologue to Love — Taylor Caldwell

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. — Stephen Schneider

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? — Robin Williams

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. — Tina Fey

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny. — Jimmy Kimmel

You need to be silly to be funny. — William Shatner

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. — Wes Adamson

I don't need a president with a bucket list! — Chris Rock

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? — Melissa Landers

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? — Mitch Hedberg

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends. — Adam Ferrara

We need the courage to say obesity is not funny and vulgarity is not amusing. — Maya Angelou

Oh, doctor. I think I'm sick I need some penis-cilin. I fake cough again into my hand. — S.K. Logsdon

No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer — Bill Gates

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. — Samuel Hall Lord