Les Dawson Quotes: top 46 famous quotes about Les Dawson

Les Dawson Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Les Dawson quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely. — Les Dawson

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' — Les Dawson

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him. — Les Dawson

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. — Les Dawson

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig. — Les Dawson

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. — Les Dawson

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. — Les Dawson

Take my wife ... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance. — Les Dawson

I know my name will always be linked with women. — Les Dawson

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him. — Les Dawson

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. — Les Dawson

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts. — Les Dawson

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light. — Les Dawson

Slumps don't bother me. — Les Dawson

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' — Les Dawson

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another ... What's funny to you is a personal thing. — Les Dawson

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. — Les Dawson

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it. — Les Dawson

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though. — Les Dawson

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow. — Les Dawson

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary. — Les Dawson

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. — Les Dawson

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. — Les Dawson

I can't look at John Prescott without thinking of Les Dawson, and Robin Cook is a caricature of himself. — Rory Bremner

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. — Les Dawson

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. — Les Dawson

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it. — Les Dawson

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg. — Les Dawson

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.' — Les Dawson

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. — Les Dawson

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. — Les Dawson

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. — Les Dawson

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever. — Les Dawson

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical. — Les Dawson

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.' — Les Dawson

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. — Les Dawson

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him. — Les Dawson

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale. — Les Dawson

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me. — Les Dawson

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles. — Les Dawson

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' — Les Dawson