Kids Humor Quotes: top 91 famous quotes about Kids Humor

Kids Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Kids Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I've never met a bug that hasn't made me jump. — Denise Dowling Mortensen

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids. — Jim Norton

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is. — A.A. Milne

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. — Eoin Colfer

It was massive. A blurting, busting, backfire! A flabbergasting, fire-breathing, flub-explosion! A propelling, paint-stripping, prison-break! — Ferguson Fartworthy

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. — George Carlin

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business. — Ivan Stoikov

I don't do 'black music,' I don't do 'white music' ... I make fight music, for high school kids. — Eminem

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place. — Ilona Andrews

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What? — Mel Brown

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. — Steven Wright

Of course I wanted to embarrass my children one day. Isn't that why people had kids?
Besides free labor, I mean. — Laurel Ulen Curtis

It's tough being AWESOME all the time, but the kids need someone to look up to! — Tanya Masse

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. — Noel Fielding

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you — Donna Ball

I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month. — Marilyn Pappano

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. — Brian P. Cleary

The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't. — Denis Leary

My demons creep like a pedo in a park full of kids. Each one reminding me of the consequences, what I didn't do, or did. — Ken Dereste Dorcely

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally. — Stephen King

How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through? — George W. Bush

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. — Anthony Jeselnik

You probably love to tell kids to get off your lawn, too. — Jeaniene Frost

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. — Mike Birbiglia

Kids, don't trust any radical under twenty-five. His cock tends to get in the way of his political vision — Juan Antonio Butler

I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me. — A.D. Aliwat

I hang out with the 'nerdy' people - they have a different sense of humor than most kids. — Liam Aiken

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was. — Mark L. Van Name

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included. — Bernard Manning

Listen, do yourself a favor. If you ask someone about something such as, "How are the kids," make sure you really want to know. — Art Hochberg

You kids were all planned, you were just planned really, really quickly. — Candace Allan

I wish there were jokes in the cat world," Buddy sighed. "Want to try to one? Let's think of a prank we can pull on the boys. — Gretchen Preston

English kings married their cousins and so their kids were as sharp as clubs. — Peter Prasad

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free — Josh Stern

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield

Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere. — P. J. O'Rourke

To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude. — Stephen King

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude. — David Cross

She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away and never come back. — Gina Damico

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. — Marcus Brigstocke

My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds. — Kathy Griffin

Men are from Mars and women from Venus. Kids arrive when orbits collide. — Shikha Kaul

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid! — Bill Watterson

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. — Scott Dikkers

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon
perfect. — Jim Butcher

This is why we can't have nice things... — Madge Madigan

There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about. — Criss Jami

Yeah, but...Come on!" Edward sputtered. Rick glared at him. "Fine! You kids have fun. I'm going to stay here and be a boring adult. — Jennae Noelle

Kids are like pissing cats or burrowing moles, marking off land within land, each section with its own rules, beliefs, laws of engagement. — Zadie Smith

I am not sentimental about kids. Little monsters, most of them, who don't civilize until they are grown and sometimes not then. — Robert A. Heinlein

everything is negotiable. everything. — Kay M. Rutherford

I think it's important to have a good sense of humor and joke around with your kids. That's what I do a lot. — Stanley Tucci

Which brings us to the least sexy word in the English language, kids," Dad said, kicking back in his chair. "Inbreeding. Avoid it. — Sarah Rees Brennan

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. — Eoin Colfer

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children. — Jane Austen

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Luc let out a strangled, hoarse laugh. Oh shit. ET so phoned home, kids. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Even Cronus, the Titan who literally had his kids for breakfast, would find these facts hard to swallow. — Tai

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? — Carroll Bryant

It's in a can. It's good forever. — Renata Suerth

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. — Bo Burnham

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged. — Andrea L'Artiste

I get paid for what most kids get punished for. — Jerry Lewis

Wouldn't it be great if life was only Legos? If we could give our kids the right, simple building blocks? — Chris Bent

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids. — Stephen King

I could spend the rest of my life writing and drawing books for kids and be a very happy man. — Daniel Sean Kaye

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. — Russell Howard

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him. — Noel Fielding

Popular kids are just a powerful union of needy, insecure losers. — Jay Bell

What did you want me to do? Ask him for money? — Mariana Zapata

Sit back and enjoy. And remember: Always be careful what you say around your kids. — Donna Chapman Gilbert

Hi there," squeaked a precocious little voice, "you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone. — Gabrielle Zevin

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right! — J. Thomas Steele

Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was. — Jenny McCarthy

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. — Derek The Ghost

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. — Stephen Colbert

WINE. Because...KIDS! — Tanya Masse

The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents' wedding. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Charlene's thoughts:
I'm next in the green jumper's Class. I thought I'd be in the red jumpers' class because of my red hair. — Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

What's my favorite part that I've written? That's like asking me to choose which of my kids is least ugly! — Matthew Catania

Some people won't have kids, but I'm not going to have parents. I'm burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight. — Bauvard

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. — Mitch Hedberg

Two closets wait to be filled with shoes or condoms or failed exams or whatever else college kids fill empty spaces with. Broken dreams, maybe. — Sara Wolf

Kids are baby goats. They're cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids. — Rick Riordan

I love shark week, all kids swim for free — Josh Stern

Both of my kids have my sense of humor - they're definitely entertaining. — Jodie Sweetin

Thank God she doesn't have to be confirmed by the Senate.
(on the birth of his granddaughter) — Herbert Hoover

Darn kids! That's it, no dessert after dinner! And if you eat my flowers again it will be an early bed time! — K.M. Shea

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. — Eddie Izzard

I don't think we should have a dinosaur that poops kids. — Beverly Connor