Keillor Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Keillor
Keillor Quotes & Sayings
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A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.
— Garrison Keillor
![Keillor Quotes By Garrison Keillor: Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns]](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/keillor-quotes-by-garrison-keillor-949087.jpg "Keillor Quotes By Garrison Keillor: Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns]")
Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns] just as we once killed the buffalo.
— Garrison Keillor
If you can't trust your can opener, then what? Is your wastebasket going to get you?
— Garrison Keillor
I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.
— Garrison Keillor
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
— Garrison Keillor
I don't associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do.
— Garrison Keillor
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
— Garrison Keillor
A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.
— Garrison Keillor
Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead.
— Garrison Keillor
That's what happens when you're angry at people. You make them part of your life. - Garrison Keillor In
— Gavin De Becker
Demagogues thrive in dim light.
— Garrison Keillor
Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.
— Garrison Keillor
Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.
— Garrison Keillor
Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast; love is no light lunch.
— Garrison Keillor
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.
— Garrison Keillor
Life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.
— Garrison Keillor
When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.
— Garrison Keillor
She gave him such a look ... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.
— Garrison Keillor
I want to resume the life of a shy person.
— Garrison Keillor
As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.
— Garrison Keillor
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
— Garrison Keillor
I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.
— Garrison Keillor
You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.
— Garrison Keillor
The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.
— Garrison Keillor
Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.
— Garrison Keillor
If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.
— Garrison Keillor
Freedom doesn't mean aimlessness. We can't just sleepwalk through life ... Freedom demands structure.
— Garrison Keillor
Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.
— Garrison Keillor
Did you know that half of all people are below average?
— Garrison Keillor
Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?
— Garrison Keillor
Face it: a nation that maintains a 72% approval rating on George W. Bush is a nation with a very loose grip on reality.
— Garrison Keillor
Spending time in a church does not make you religious, any more than spending time in a garage makes you a car.
— Garrison Keillor
Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.
— Garrison Keillor
That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
— Garrison Keillor
Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis.
— Garrison Keillor
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.
— Garrison Keillor
There was a price to be paid for being interested in fiction and in writing, pushing my family away. Books and authors became my family.
— Garrison Keillor
I just sort of slid into it, like you'd go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds.
— Garrison Keillor
I don't have a great eye for detail. I leave blanks in all of my stories. I leave out all detail, which leaves the reader to fill in something better.
— Garrison Keillor
Couldn't dance because it would awaken carnal desire, which in my case was not only awake, it was dressed and down on the corner waiting for the bus.
— Garrison Keillor
In his 30 years of broadcasting and publishing fiction, Garrison Keillor has set the laugh bar pretty high.
— Jane Smiley
Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, now it is a problem to be overcome.
— Garrison Keillor
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.
— Garrison Keillor
Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.
— Garrison Keillor
Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.
— Garrison Keillor
Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.
— Garrison Keillor
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living.
— Garrison Keillor
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
— Garrison Keillor
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
— Garrison Keillor
Don't worry about the past and don't try to figure out the future
— Garrison Keillor
It's better to be burnished with use than rusty with principle.
— Garrison Keillor
An interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers.
— Garrison Keillor
Sing your song; don't let the bastards get you down.
— Garrison Keillor
Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.
— Garrison Keillor
Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever.
— Garrison Keillor
Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.
— Garrison Keillor
Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you ... and to love one woman for the rest of your life.
— Garrison Keillor
Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love
— Garrison Keillor
Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.
— Garrison Keillor
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.
— Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
— Garrison Keillor
If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you trust?
— Garrison Keillor
Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.the people of Lake Woebegon — Garrison Keillor
No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.
— Garrison Keillor
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
— Garrison Keillor
My ability to keep cool in a crisis is based entirely on not knowing all the facts.
— Garrison Keillor
Give up your good 'Christian' life and follow Jesus
— Garrison Keillor
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
— Garrison Keillor
Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.
— Garrison Keillor
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
— Garrison Keillor
Going to church no more making you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
— Garrison Keillor
Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.
— Garrison Keillor
I'm not busy ... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
— Garrison Keillor
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
— Garrison Keillor
Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.
— Garrison Keillor
Most men are prisoners at best, Who some strong habit every drag about Like chain and ball.
— Garrison Keillor
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
— Garrison Keillor
Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either
— Garrison Keillor
Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep
— Garrison Keillor
Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn't. Woman: See what I mean?
— Garrison Keillor
I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.
— Garrison Keillor
Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.
— Garrison Keillor
To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.
— Garrison Keillor
You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.
— Garrison Keillor
We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?
— Garrison Keillor
Honesty is a rare commodity in a palace, and that is why so many fairy-tale marriages end up on the rocks.
— Garrison Keillor
That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers.
— Garrison Keillor
We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
— Garrison Keillor
A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.
— Garrison Keillor
March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.
— Garrison Keillor
You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.
— Garrison Keillor
In the end, all solutions are temporary.
— Garrison Keillor
Life is continuous. Life never stops. We come to the really great questions and before we can answer them, life has moved on to something else.
— Garrison Keillor
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many therapists do you think it takes to change a lightbulb?
— Garrison Keillor
You are never so smart again in a language learned in middle age nor so romantic, brave or kind.
— Garrison Keillor
If you can't trust your can open, then what?
— Garrison Keillor
