Jon Stewart Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jon Stewart quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I still do not understand how a corporation

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Tom Lehrer: I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious

I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. — Tom Lehrer

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: If your regime is not strong enough to

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ...

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ... until they see a witch. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Brian Kilmeade: Jon Stewart says that he was a little

Jon Stewart says that he was a little kid with a big head. He had very little athletic ability. He went out to the soccer field, and it was awful. — Brian Kilmeade

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Some people look at a glass and see

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: As long as I don't end up hosting

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Bruce Lipton: I watch Jon Stewart because I need to

I watch Jon Stewart because I need to laugh. Otherwise, life gets too serious. Besides that, I don't watch any news. — Bruce Lipton

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I visit Fox News every now and again,

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The bias of the mainstream media is toward

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The rise of secularism has brought about an

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I don't approve of political jokes; I have

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: They may want to insist that corporations are

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: In what is perhaps the strangest turn in

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: You can use your idealism to further your

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: To me, that's where a lot of satire

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Isn't that what you really want in a

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts ... — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I like not to be good at anything,

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The Oscars is the one night of the

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Seth Green: Jeff Ross has a new show on Comedy

Jeff Ross has a new show on Comedy Central where he roasts the news. It'll be perfect for people who find Jon Stewart too handsome and funny. — Seth Green

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: 9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ...

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The press is our immune system. If it

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you don't let

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: A guy who says what people who aren't

A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By June Casagrande: You must now--before God, Jon Stewart, and whoever's

You must now--before God, Jon Stewart, and whoever's sleeping next to you (even if these entities are one and the same)--make a solemn oath. — June Casagrande

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: In 1982 I was playing soccer at William

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a ... well, yes I am. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I'm a little bit too obsessed with the

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Like everyone else, I want to sleep with

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Chris Smith: I have such a lowered bar of expectation,

I have such a lowered bar of expectation, and they managed to crawl underneath it.
~ Jon Stewart — Chris Smith

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: It's like America has a dog that's always

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: If we are going to amend the constitution,

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The danger of oppression is not just being

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor, — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: 'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I can be in 20 movies. But I'll

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Here's the thing about global warming that I

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: If the world does need to repopulate at

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: My friend Bill O'Reilly is completely full of

My friend Bill O'Reilly is completely full of sh*t. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I just thought, there are very few stories

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: To have not shot his friend in the

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Here it is ... your moment of zen.

Here it is ... your moment of zen. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: When did fact checking and journalism go their

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I really like to put my name on

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: No one is better at not beating America

No one is better at not beating America than England. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which,

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The problem with the Tea Party is they're

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: What's it called when a hellhole hits a

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Apparently the only time the press gets it

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: We grew up in the good old days

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I want to look back on my career

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I was born with an adult head and

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Every generation has their challenge. And things change

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: When you are actually powerful, you don't need

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I don't care about wealth. What seems to

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: It's harder to eat meat when you know

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name ... I have found. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Get there early because hope does not park

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: We could overcome the baser aspects of our

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Being funny in life is a lot more

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ... — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate,

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible? — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: People, if you can't get through the puns,

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: The Book of Mormon is so good it

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews,

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: If you watch the news and don't like

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Chris Smith: There are people that I believe shouldn't like

There are people that I believe shouldn't like me, and if they did, I'd be sad.
~ Jon Stewart — Chris Smith

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: California is choosing between the lesser of, uh,

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I'm not going to censor myself to comfort

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I'm too short to host a late-night talk

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: We all know what happens to celebrities when

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Megyn Kelly: I have to tell you I enjoy Jon

I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine. — Megyn Kelly

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Dick Cavett: It's lamented that the youth get their news

It's lamented that the youth get their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It's lamentable that they get more from them than from the news. — Dick Cavett

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: I thinking gay and straight people use the

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: You know if I had nickel for every

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes By Jon Stewart: Clearly, I'm way older than everyone.

Clearly, I'm way older than everyone. — Jon Stewart