Jon Stewart Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jon Stewart quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. — Jon Stewart

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. — Jon Stewart

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. — Jon Stewart

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". — Jon Stewart

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. — Jon Stewart

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration. — Jon Stewart

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another. — Jon Stewart

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. — Jon Stewart

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. — Jon Stewart

I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. — Tom Lehrer

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. — Jon Stewart

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts ... until they see a witch. — Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart says that he was a little kid with a big head. He had very little athletic ability. He went out to the soccer field, and it was awful. — Brian Kilmeade

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. — Jon Stewart

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. — Jon Stewart

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy. — Jon Stewart

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance. — Jon Stewart

I watch Jon Stewart because I need to laugh. Otherwise, life gets too serious. Besides that, I don't watch any news. — Bruce Lipton

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. — Jon Stewart

Everyone just needs to get over themselves. — Jon Stewart

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. — Jon Stewart

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious. — Jon Stewart

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. — Jon Stewart

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. — Jon Stewart

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. — Jon Stewart

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect. — Jon Stewart

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. — Jon Stewart

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition? — Jon Stewart

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government — Jon Stewart

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts ... — Jon Stewart

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' — Jon Stewart

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. — Jon Stewart

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around. — Jon Stewart

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party — Jon Stewart

Jeff Ross has a new show on Comedy Central where he roasts the news. It'll be perfect for people who find Jon Stewart too handsome and funny. — Seth Green

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one. — Jon Stewart

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. — Jon Stewart

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. — Jon Stewart

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. — Jon Stewart

A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. — Jon Stewart

You must now--before God, Jon Stewart, and whoever's sleeping next to you (even if these entities are one and the same)--make a solemn oath. — June Casagrande

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a ... well, yes I am. — Jon Stewart

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs. — Jon Stewart

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. — Jon Stewart

I have such a lowered bar of expectation, and they managed to crawl underneath it.
~ Jon Stewart — Chris Smith

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. — Jon Stewart

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? — Jon Stewart

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. — Jon Stewart

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor, — Jon Stewart

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. — Jon Stewart

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for? — Jon Stewart

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. — Jon Stewart

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. — Jon Stewart

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. — Jon Stewart

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. — Jon Stewart

My friend Bill O'Reilly is completely full of sh*t. — Jon Stewart

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. — Jon Stewart

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. — Jon Stewart

Here it is ... your moment of zen. — Jon Stewart

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? — Jon Stewart

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. — Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England. — Jon Stewart

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. — Jon Stewart

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. — Jon Stewart

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. — Jon Stewart

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? — Jon Stewart

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. — Jon Stewart

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside. — Jon Stewart

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. — Jon Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. — Jon Stewart

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. — Jon Stewart

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty. — Jon Stewart

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. — Jon Stewart

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name ... I have found. — Jon Stewart

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. — Jon Stewart

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. — Jon Stewart

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ... — Jon Stewart

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic. — Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' — Jon Stewart

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America. — Jon Stewart

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. — Jon Stewart

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. — Jon Stewart

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible? — Jon Stewart

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry. — Jon Stewart

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. — Jon Stewart

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. — Jon Stewart

There are people that I believe shouldn't like me, and if they did, I'd be sad.
~ Jon Stewart — Chris Smith

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. — Jon Stewart

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance — Jon Stewart

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. — Jon Stewart

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart

I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine. — Megyn Kelly

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. — Jon Stewart

It's lamented that the youth get their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It's lamentable that they get more from them than from the news. — Dick Cavett

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. — Jon Stewart

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. — Jon Stewart

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart

Clearly, I'm way older than everyone. — Jon Stewart