Jeselnik Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Jeselnik
Jeselnik Quotes & Sayings
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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
— Anthony Jeselnik
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
— Anthony Jeselnik
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.
— Anthony Jeselnik
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
— Anthony Jeselnik
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
— Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
— Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
— Anthony Jeselnik
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person ... so I can get a better girlfriend.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
— Anthony Jeselnik
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
— Anthony Jeselnik
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
— Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
— Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
— Anthony Jeselnik
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
— Anthony Jeselnik
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
— Anthony Jeselnik
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
— Anthony Jeselnik
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.
— Anthony Jeselnik
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
— Anthony Jeselnik
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
— Anthony Jeselnik
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
— Anthony Jeselnik
