Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jerry Seinfeld quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. — Jerry Seinfeld

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. — Jerry Seinfeld

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves. — Jerry Seinfeld

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. — Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. JERRY SEINFELD — Christopher Ryan

The best revenge is living well. — Jerry Seinfeld

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them. — Jerry Seinfeld

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. — Jerry Seinfeld

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. — Jerry Seinfeld

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success. — Jerry Seinfeld

You can be passionate about anything. — Jerry Seinfeld

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. — Jerry Seinfeld

There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people. — Jerry Seinfeld

Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me — Jerry Seinfeld

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. — Jerry Seinfeld

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with. — Jerry Seinfeld

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld

There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person. — Jerry Seinfeld

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise. — Jerry Seinfeld

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets ... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman. — Jerry Seinfeld

No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry — Seinfeld

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! — Jerry Seinfeld

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. — Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. — Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. — Jerry Seinfeld

A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. — Jerry Seinfeld

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body. — Jerry Seinfeld

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have — Jerry Seinfeld

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options. — Jerry Seinfeld

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. — Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. — Jerry Seinfeld

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper? — Jerry Seinfeld

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? — Jerry Seinfeld

All magic is 'Here's a quarter, now it's gone. You're a jerk. Now it's back. You're an idiot. Show's over.' — Jerry Seinfeld

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. — Jerry Seinfeld

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. — Jerry Seinfeld

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? — Jerry Seinfeld

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to. — Jerry Seinfeld

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! — Jerry Seinfeld

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done. — Jerry Seinfeld

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. — Jerry Seinfeld

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is, — Jerry Seinfeld

It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. — Jerry Seinfeld

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup? — Jerry Seinfeld

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. — Jerry Seinfeld

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. — Jerry Seinfeld

Can't you at least die with a little dignity? — Jerry Seinfeld

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. — Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld made a puddle, I stepped in it, and wonderful things happened. — Jason Alexander

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge. — Jerry Seinfeld

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity. — Jerry Seinfeld

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public. — Jerry Seinfeld

I like money, but it's never been about the money. — Jerry Seinfeld

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. — Jerry Seinfeld

i chose not to run — Jerry Seinfeld

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'.
-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee — Jerry Seinfeld

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this? — Jerry Seinfeld

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. — Jerry Seinfeld

Festivus for the Restivus! — Jerry Seinfeld

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination. — Jerry Seinfeld

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind — Jerry Seinfeld

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. — Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. — Jerry Seinfeld

I am speechless: I have no speech — Jerry Seinfeld

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it. — Jerry Seinfeld

Why would anybody want a friend? — Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. — Jerry Seinfeld

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids. — Jerry Seinfeld

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. — Jerry Seinfeld

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. — Jerry Seinfeld

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? — Jerry Seinfeld

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? — Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. — Jerry Seinfeld

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. — Jerry Seinfeld

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track. — Jerry Seinfeld

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. — Jerry Seinfeld

These pretzels are making me thirsty! — Jerry Seinfeld

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. — Jerry Seinfeld

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. — Jerry Seinfeld

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. — Jerry Seinfeld

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important. — Jerry Seinfeld

I sold my house to Jerry Seinfeld. — Billy Joel

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. — Jerry Seinfeld

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that. — Jerry Seinfeld

I'm no Jerry Seinfeld. I wasn't raised with some backyard with a creek and trees and all that. — Tracy Morgan

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. — Jerry Seinfeld

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. — Jerry Seinfeld

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer. — Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld has an interesting theory. He goes, '20 pounds up or down, and you lose your funny.' — Jason Alexander

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do. — Jerry Seinfeld

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore. — Jerry Seinfeld

Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. — Jerry Seinfeld

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time. — Jerry Seinfeld

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard. — Jerry Seinfeld

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? — Jerry Seinfeld

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in. — Jerry Seinfeld

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day — Jerry Seinfeld