Humor And Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor And Funny

Humor And Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor And Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Ladders were not inherently dangerous, he told himself, people climbed them every day, and most of them lived. — Anne Ursu

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you. — Nick Shamhart

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death. — Michael Bassey Johnson

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. — Katie Nolan

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am! — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. — Demetri Martin

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave. — Jim Butcher

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness — Amit Gupta

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. — Chelsea Handler

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield

If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement. — Jerry Coleman

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. — The Covert Comic

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay? — Nenia Campbell

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. — Woody Allen

He says black, I say white and we do grey — Lazaro Hernandez

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? — Steven Wright

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth. — Ana Claudia Antunes

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV! — Milton Jones

Well if this is really happening, and this psycho really did kidnap us, I want food. — L. Taylor

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. — Richard Belzer

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. — Lois Greiman

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff. — Frankie Boyle

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him. — Oscar Wilde

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!' — Chris Rock

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket. — Nicole McKay

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick. — Nicole McKay

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. — Ambrose Bierce

And I provide much- needed eye candy. — Veronica Roth

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican? — Jerry Coleman

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. — Libba Bray

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything. — Tina Fey

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. — Bill Engvall

World domination is just my side gig. — Tanjlisa Marie

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies. — Val Edward Simone

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. — Roseanne Barr

Marla said, This isn't like when guys sit backward on the toilet and pretend it's a motorcycle. This is a genuine accident. — Chuck Palahniuk

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous. — Kelly Moran

You're doing fucking awesome, Colt whispers in my ear and I can't help but smile at that. Only he would use the word 'fuck' at my mom's funeral. — Nyrae Dawn

I'm going to need to save you."
"Excuse me? No one needs-"
"I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful. — Kelley Armstrong

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged. — Andrea L'Artiste

Put that in your mustache and smoke it. — Agatha Christie

I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. — Nicole McKay

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit — Ann Everett

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." — Mitch Hedberg

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. — Mitt Romney

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words? — Martin Freeman

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire. — M.J. McGuire

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. — Jerry Coleman

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. — Jim Norton

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good. — Amy Summers

Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. — John Sandford

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence
and punishes those who do. — Peter Boghossian

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it's free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE. — Mindy Levy

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader. — Jerry Coleman

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

I may not beleive in God, but I believe in guilt and no one wants to dick around with eternity, even if it isn't there. — Jonathan Tropper

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth. — P.G. Wodehouse

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake. — Jenny Han

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist. — Bo Burnham

Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back. — J.R. Ward

I sort of fell."
"Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet? — Rick Riordan

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. — Bauvard

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right? — Rachel Caine

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible. — Henry David Thoreau

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him. — Noel Fielding

If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her. I'd come home and eat her every night. — Solange Nicole

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. — Lauren Conrad

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh. — Amy Poehler

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE — A.O. Storm

I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs. — Amy Summers

A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? — Nicole McKay