Humor And Funny Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Humor And Funny
Humor And Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor And Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
— Michael Bassey Johnson
I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
— Chelsea Handler
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
— Henny Youngman
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
— Rodney Dangerfield
If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement.
— Jerry Coleman
The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
— The Covert Comic
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.
— Woody Allen
He says black, I say white and we do grey
— Lazaro Hernandez
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
— Steven Wright
I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.
— Ana Claudia Antunes
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
— Milton Jones
Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
— Richard Belzer
When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.
— Nenia Campbell
Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.
— Lois Greiman
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
— Frankie Boyle
The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.
— Nicole McKay
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
— Frank Carson
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon
A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.
— Nicole McKay
My condolences, you're still alive.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
— Ambrose Bierce
And I provide much- needed eye candy.
— Veronica Roth
Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
— Jerry Coleman
You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.
— Libba Bray
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis
World domination is just my side gig.
— Tanjlisa Marie
To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.
— Val Edward Simone
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
— Roseanne Barr
Marla said, This isn't like when guys sit backward on the toilet and pretend it's a motorcycle. This is a genuine accident.
— Chuck Palahniuk
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright
I'm going to need to save you.""Excuse me? No one needs-"
"I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful. — Kelley Armstrong
The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged.
— Andrea L'Artiste
Put that in your mustache and smoke it.
— Agatha Christie
Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit
— Ann Everett
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
— Mitch Hedberg
I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.
— M.J. McGuire
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.
— F Scott Fitzgerald
Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it.
— John Sandford
If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidenceand punishes those who do. — Peter Boghossian
I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
— Jeff Foxworthy
Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,
— Steven Pinker
Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.
— Nicole McKay
It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.
— Jerry Coleman
Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.
— Elizabeth Eulberg
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
— Mitch Hedberg
I may not beleive in God, but I believe in guilt and no one wants to dick around with eternity, even if it isn't there.
— Jonathan Tropper
This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy.
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.""Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger
I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet? — Rick Riordan
Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.
— Henry David Thoreau
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
— Tommy Cooper
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
— Noel Fielding
We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't!
— Tamsyn Bester
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
— Mitch Hedberg
EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.
— Lauren Conrad
No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE
— A.O. Storm
