Funny Jim Quotes: top 95 famous quotes about Funny Jim

Funny Jim Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Jim quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out. — Jim Benton

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood. — Jim Norton

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids. — Jim Norton

Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid. — Jim Lehrer

He was wrong, that doesn't make him a villian. That makes him an asshole. — Jim Butcher

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. — Jim Norton

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog". — Mark Twain

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave. — Jim Butcher

Just because I rock doesn't mean I am made of stone. — Jim Carrey

History often reads as a hard and grim experience. But people are remarkably resilient and funny, even when the going is very hard. — Jim Murphy

It's hard to get lost if you don't know where you're going. — Jim Jarmusch

I had bitten into my tongue, and I either had to spit or swallow. I swallowed. No comments, please. — Jim Butcher

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. — Jim Gaffigan

I just want to be known as funny. — Jim Gaffigan

You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about? — Jim Breuer

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim? — Jim Norton

Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink. — Jim Slattery

I like all Jim Carrey films. They're really funny. — Rupert Grint

It's funny how a film about a murderous old English toff can help you. — Jim Broadbent

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." — Jim Gaffigan

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated. — Jim Norton

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined. — Jim Norton

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are. — Jim Steinman

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene. — Jim Gaffigan

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist! — Jim Norton

For the record, I hate skiing ... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD. — Jim Norton

That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane."
Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then? — Jim Butcher

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny. — Jim Gaffigan

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it. — Jim Butcher

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny. — Jim Morrison

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly. — Jim Norton

You ain't going nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck. — Jim Denny

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell. — Jim Norton

Cara: *Flies*
Gen: What? I don't have wings!
Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy. — Jim Henson

BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual. — Jim Butcher

It's great working with Steve Carell and Jim Carrey. Those guys are really funny. — Steve Buscemi

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach ... but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?" — Jim Gaffigan

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume. — Jim Benton

You think you're funny." "Oh, I know I'm funny. Unappreciated, but funny. — Jim Butcher

On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man. — Jim Davidson

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!
Garfield: Feed me. — Jim Davis

(One does not simply walk into Mordor--except that was exactly what everyone in the story did anyway.) — Jim Butcher

I'm not exactly a useless cream puff. — Jim Butcher

If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. — Jim Butcher

Kestus idly added theoretical torture to the theoretical murder, because done right, it might be funny. — Jim Butcher

Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway. — Jim Davis

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle. — Jim Norton

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!"
"We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered. — Jim Butcher

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester? — Jim Norton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil. — Jim Norton

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. — Jim Gaffigan

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open — Jim Norton

I do not think that obsession is funny or that not being able to stop one's intensity is funny. — Jim Dine

Cancer is always funny. — Jim Gaffigan

Come with me if you want to live. — Jim Butcher

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. — Jim Gaffigan

If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer. — Jim Carrey

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! — Jim Warner

The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way. — Jim Benton

There is no spoon. — Jim Butcher

I don't pull out because ... it's not my problem. — Jim Norton

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody. — Jim Norton

Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me! — Jim Carrey

Fear is a funny thing. In the right light, even tiny and insignificant fears can suddenly grow, swelling up to monstrous proportions. — Jim Butcher

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. — Jim Gaffigan

That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park. — Jim Harrison

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be? — Jim Butcher

There's a lot of very funny people I'd love to work with that I've never met, of course. I love Steve Martin and Jim Carrey. — Dick Van Dyke

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. — Jim Norton

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously? — Jim Jefferies

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. — Jim Gaffigan

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold." — Denis Leary

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

At the finish, it was all over — Jim Watt

Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it. — Ben Stiller

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody — Jim Gaffigan

Hysterical in The Mask; funny yet moving in The Truman Show. — Jim Carrey

Nobody understands anyone 18, including those who are 18. — Jim Bishop

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. — Jim Carrey

My new years resolution? I will be less laz ... — Jim Gaffigan

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. — Jim Gaffigan

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen. — Jim Gaffigan

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic. — Jim Norton

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice. — Jim Norton

You can never look that tough in glasses ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass." — Jim Gaffigan

When all else fails, look cute. — Jim Davis

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future. — Jim Norton

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living. — Jim Norton

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams — Jim Carrey

I don't care if I'm funny. I just want people to believe I'm that guy. — Jim Piddock