Funny Humorous Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Humorous

Funny Humorous Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Humorous quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!"
Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom — Mark Buff

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? — Victor Borge

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient. — Elizabeth Inchbald

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is. — Charles Dickens

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you. — Nick Shamhart

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting." — Charles Dickens

Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away. — S. Walden

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling — Robert Breault

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. — Bob Hope

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was. — Marissa Meyer

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it! — Charles Dickens

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! — Leah Broadby

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them. — Raheel Farooq

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn... — Cleo Peitsche

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning. — Jon S. Lewis

This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit.
-Ty Henderson — Madeleine Urban

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it. — Mark Twain

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees. — Ryan Lilly

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car. — Edward Harris

I may just be on the outskirts of being okay. — Pawan Mishra

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny. — Stanley Victor Paskavich

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up. — Carroll Bryant

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. — Candice Bergen

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth. — Ana Claudia Antunes

You're going to be trouble, aren't you?"
"Not if you give me everything I want."
"We'll see. — Zoe Forward

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. — Carroll Bryant

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer. — Mita Jain

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise. — Tommy Bolt

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

I don't think I'm crazy, but then again, define crazy. — J. Lincoln Fenn

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling. — E.A. Bucchianeri

Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ... — E.A. Bucchianeri

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions. — Charles Dickens

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh* — Hiroko Sakai

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly. — Pawan Mishra

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally. — Bill Bryson

To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans — Zoe Marriott

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind — Seth Czerepak

I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious. — Don Roff

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.) — Simon Ewins

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking. — Charles Dickens

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) — Elaine Kagan

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. — Regina Griffin

For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down. — Charles Dickens

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace. — Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. — Terry Pratchett

I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It's like a special competition in losing. — Miroslav Holub

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? — Regina Griffin

In particular, there was a butler in a blue coat and bright buttons, who gave quite a winey flavour to the table beer; he poured it out so superbly. — Charles Dickens

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter. — Gail Carriger

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again! — Diane Ackerman

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Axl Rose

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ... — Hiroko Sakai

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) — Eve Kagan

When it's all said and done remember, You are only as old as you look. — Mark W. Boyer

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up. — Spuds Crawford

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. — Leah Broadby

There is no point in housing troubles inside your underwear if you can't solve them by yourself. — Pawan Mishra

Poems for children help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world. Humorous poems tickle the funny bone of their imaginations. — Charles Ghigna

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it. — Adrienne Wilder

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store. — Jodi Picoult

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know. — Michael Hogan

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange! — Charles Dickens

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others — Yana Toboso

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man". — Russell Beland

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Stop teasing you two," Suzy jumped in, "not all of Kathy's ideas are wacky."
"Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment? — E.A. Bucchianeri

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house? — Ljupka Cvetanova

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?
A trifle. — Joseph Rosenbloom

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth. — Amunhotep El Bey

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm going to strip my way through plumber's school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie? — Rebecca Murphy

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese — Lucian Bane

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor! — Christina Scalise

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. — Terry Pratchett

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? — Pawan Mishra

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it. — Hiroko Sakai

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee. — Kelly Moran

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school's last bastion of patriarchal society. — G.G. Silverman

How come I have too many things to do all the time ... ?? — Hiroko Sakai

The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job. — Sue Civil-Brown

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? — Carroll Bryant

Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton. — Matt Dunn

Men weigh love with hands. — Ljupka Cvetanova