Funny Henny Youngman Quotes: top 79 famous quotes about Funny Henny Youngman

Funny Henny Youngman Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Henny Youngman quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? — Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. — Henny Youngman

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. — Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" — Henny Youngman

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. — Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!" — Henny Youngman

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. — Henny Youngman

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" — Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. — Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" — Henny Youngman

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! — Henny Youngman

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. — Henny Youngman

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" — Henny Youngman

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!" — Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." — Henny Youngman

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." — Henny Youngman

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. — Henny Youngman

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! — Henny Youngman

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower. — Henny Youngman

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. — Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" — Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O — Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? — Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" — Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" — Henny Youngman

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" — Henny Youngman

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. — Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. — Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" — Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. — Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? — Henny Youngman