Funny And Random Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny And Random

Funny And Random Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny And Random quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?
ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.
MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?
ME: MATH. — KanyaACoffman

That didn't sound like them slinging beads at us. Think if I whip my shirt off, they'll go blind and leave? Nick — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby. — Augusten Burroughs

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven. — Fakeer Ishavardas

My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams. — Nenia Campbell

Life is an absolute Dream... then I wake up. — Jane

It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts. — Connie Willis

A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That's it. That's all I got. — Amy Summers

Whenever anyone finds out there are seven kids in my family, the imagine my mom and dad having sex. — Rachel DeWoskin

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew - in jeggings. — Nenia Campbell

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. — Kyousuke Motomi

If he didn't want to be mauled by a sex-starved woman who hadn't gotten any skin in months, he'd better keep his hands to himself. — Jody Wallace

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it. — Judith Chambers

Alice smiled her wide smile. The crooked incisor smile. — Jennifer Mathieu

Leonard had let them go alone with the young boy who Ali was now convinced, was a couple falafel's short of a picnic — L.R. Currell

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit. — Rick Riordan

Thanks for coming, Zach told him. He slapped Jonas on the back. And I felt like I'd fallen into an alternate universe. One where Zach had ... friends. — Ally Carter

Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' - or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people. — Nenia Campbell

Knocking the shrieking goblins aside like skittles — J.K. Rowling

The house had a name. The Banana House. It was carved onto a piece of sandstone above the front door. It made no sense to anyone. — Hilary McKay

I Don't care which president is sucking your dick at the moment, I will not be a party to the killing of innocent men! — Brandice Snowden Demon's Veil

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass. — Chris Hannan

There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic. — Santosh Kalwar

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? — Regina Griffin

he hadn't killed or shagged even one single person in front of me - which I felt was a rather good indication of his superior character. — Hettie Ivers

They told me I've got writer's cramp. So is that better than the block? — Joyce Rachelle

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts. — Nicole McKay

I just finished running, and I look and smell like nothing very pleasant. Why, oh, why did he have to bump into me now? — Abigail Owen

I must be very complex, judging by the number of days determined to define me. — Spuds Crawford

NI!
Oh no! Not ni! — Graham Chapman

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It's certainly safer than keeping it in the bank! — Nicole McKay

Whenever I come here, I pretend I'm living in the future and the atmosphere is irradiated and wild bands of biodiesel bikers rule the dusty surface. — Robin Sloane

No one broke his finger and got away with it. — Sarah Masters

Jesse is a good guy, although I don't understand the infatuation with the spandex he is always running around in. — Holly Hood

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. — Terry Pratchett

Cause hearts are amazing things. They get lots bigger to make room for new people to love alongside the old people you love. -Simi — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them. — Nenia Campbell

I was not dressed crazily - I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason. — Diane Messidoro

Remember. Make him cry uncle.
Cry uncle, my posterior. I'm going to make him cry like a girl who broke her mom's designer heels at the prom. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist ! — Gaurav Rao

Possibility of enjoying life makes death feel terrible. — Santosh Kalwar

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

Dogs are angels full of poop. — Oliver Gaspirtz

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco — Josh Stern

Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it — Josh Stern

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace. — Fakeer Ishavardas

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. — Kate Avery Ellison

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! — Tanya Masse

A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK. — Nicole McKay

You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists. — Christy Leigh Stewart

Sometimes charm can make a person blind to truth ... look at Ted Bundy. — Shelley K. Wall

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. — Wes Adamson

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. — Regina Griffin

Do you remember what I forgot? — Erica Goros

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. — Lauren Conrad

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket. — Nicole McKay

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick. — Nicole McKay

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake. — Jenny Han

How funny are dogs? — John Marsden

I should have known the power-hungry slave drivers at River's Edge would see my five days of freedom only as a challenge to be filled. — Cate Tiernan

I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. — Nicole McKay

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

What's purple mean?"
Adrian put his hand on the door. "Gotta go, Sage. Dont want to keep Dorothy waiting — Richelle Mead

Anytime you can escape to an adventure do it, what have you got to lose? Just keep turning the page. — Mira Monroe

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right? — Rachel Caine

If you're heading downtown from Centeral Park, my advice is to take the subway. Flying pigs are faster but way more dangerous — Rick Riordan

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. — Stephen King

A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? — Nicole McKay

Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists. — Darynda Jones

If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he'd tell me the shot was great. — Erin Dionne

Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle. — The Walking Dead

Imogene always sits
on the remote. It's probably wedged between her butt cheeks."
"Should I go get a crowbar? — Kirsten Miller

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good. — Amy Summers

Oh, sod off, I'm calling the Police." Another series of banging on the door. "Open up, Police." That was quick. — Simon Dunn

Tell Savitar I said hi. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug! — Nicole McKay

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. — Stephanie Perkins

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months — Josh Stern

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome. — Carla H. Krueger

Sometimes you are the peanut to my butter and sometimes you are those annoying crumbs left over when someone makes toast. — Brenda Lochinger

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can't kiss people in the morning? — Holly Hood

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD. — Santosh Kalwar

Some days you were the bitch and some days you were shit that came out of the bitch's toy poodle. Today was one of those days I was the latter. — Stacey Marie Brown

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like - but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk. — Angela N. Blount

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow — Josh Stern

Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from? — Stieg Larsson

Tip#27

Kiss a girl if you're a female,

If you're a single male kiss a Guy

(Idea)
It's fun to offend society ~ — Hazel Cartwright

I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant! — Tranea Prosser

I didn't know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her. — Rachel Vincent

If You're Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair! — S.C. Stephens

People in hell want snowcones. — Nora Roberts

World domination is just my side gig. — Tanjlisa Marie

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny. — Elizabeth Gaskell

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. — Leah Broadby

What can I say? I'm like a playground water fountain, I live to wet people's pants. — Frances Winkler

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train. — Darynda Jones