David Letterman Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about David Letterman
David Letterman Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational David Letterman quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.
— David Letterman
Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
— David Letterman
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
— David Letterman
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
— David Letterman
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
— David Letterman
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
— David Letterman
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
— David Letterman
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
— David Letterman
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
— David Letterman
New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.
— David Letterman
Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
— David Letterman
So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.
— David Letterman
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
— David Letterman
Now all of us can talk to the NSA
just by dialing any number. — David Letterman
just by dialing any number. — David Letterman
Lesbians have never been more popular.
— David Letterman
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
— David Letterman
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
— David Letterman
Life experience is the best teacher.
— David Letterman
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
— David Letterman
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
— David Letterman
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
— David Letterman
Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
— David Letterman
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.
— David Letterman
The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.
— David Letterman
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.
— David Letterman
This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
— David Letterman
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
— David Letterman
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
— David Letterman
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
— David Letterman
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
— David Letterman
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
— David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
— David Letterman
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
— David Letterman
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
— David Letterman
Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.
— David Letterman
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
— David Letterman
Everyday is a compromise.
— David Letterman
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'
— David Letterman
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
— David Letterman
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
— David Letterman
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before
— David Letterman
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
— David Letterman
I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking.
— Teri Garr
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
— David Letterman
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
— David Letterman
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
— David Letterman
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
— David Letterman
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
— David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.
— David Letterman
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
— David Letterman
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
— David Letterman
Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
— David Letterman
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
— David Letterman
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.
— David Letterman
Osama bin Laden ... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
— David Letterman
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
— David Letterman
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
— David Letterman
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'
— David Letterman
Did you know David Letterman was offered millions of dollars to do a commercial for dog food?
— Tracey Ullman
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.
— David Letterman
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
— David Letterman
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
— David Letterman
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'
— David Letterman
We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
— Stephen Colbert
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
— David Letterman
My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
— David Letterman
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
— David Letterman
You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
— David Letterman
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
— David Letterman
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
— David Letterman
I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.
— David Letterman
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.
— David Letterman
He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
— David Letterman
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.
— David Letterman
Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
— David Letterman
So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.
— David Letterman
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
— David Letterman
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
— David Letterman
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
— David Letterman
The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
— David Letterman
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
— David Letterman
CBS is proud to have been the home of David Letterman since 1993. He is truly one of the great talents of our time, and we hope things work out.
— Leslie Moonves
In Hollywood, Oscar is king
— David Letterman
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.
— David Letterman
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
— David Letterman
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
— David Letterman
Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!
— David Letterman
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
— David Letterman
Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.
— David Letterman
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
— David Letterman
'The David Letterman Show' is a show of comedy.
— Jesse Ventura