Dave Barry Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Dave Barry quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk. — Dave Barry

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. — Dave Barry

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse. — Dave Barry

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. — Dave Barry

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... — Dave Barry

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. — Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. — Dave Barry

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. — Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. — Dave Barry

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis. — Dave Barry

In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up. — Dave Barry

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! — Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. — Dave Barry

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call. — Dave Barry

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. — Dave Barry

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. — Dave Barry

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. — Dave Barry

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy — Dave Barry

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. — Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. — Dave Barry

Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck. — Dave Barry

I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4 — Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. — Dave Barry

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are. — Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. — Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. — Dave Barry

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. — Dave Barry

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years. — Dave Barry

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out. — Dave Barry

If you answered, 'Spin the Bottle,' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. — Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry

We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees. — Dave Barry

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver. — Dave Barry

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting. — Dave Barry

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. — Dave Barry

Regular adult Americans are no more capable of doing math than they are of photosynthesis. — Dave Barry

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over. — Dave Barry

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house. — Dave Barry

By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely discredited as a medical procedure; today it is rarely used outside of Miami. — Dave Barry

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, — Dave Barry

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons. — Dave Barry

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. — Dave Barry

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry

Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot. — Dave Barry

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. — Dave Barry

Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. — Dave Barry

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already. — Dave Barry

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans. — Dave Barry

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." — Dave Barry

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. — Dave Barry

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia. — Dave Barry

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. — Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from someone else's plate. — Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. — Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. — Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry

Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline. — Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. — Dave Barry

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences. — Dave Barry

And it ain't a man, thought Slank. — Dave Barry

Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby Ted. — Dave Barry

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it. — Dave Barry

We can only be young once. But we can always be immature. — Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. — Dave Barry

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office. — Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. — Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. — Dave Barry

I can snap your spine like a toothpick. — Dave Barry

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time. — Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover. — Dave Barry

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. — Dave Barry

Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. — Dave Barry

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day. — Dave Barry

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. — Dave Barry

A secret society within a secret society. — Dave Barry

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? — Dave Barry

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. — Dave Barry

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber. — Dave Barry

Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. — Dave Barry

Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II. — Dave Barry

Too many rocks in the mountains. — Dave Barry

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts. — Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. — Dave Barry

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker. — Dave Barry

Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel. — Dave Barry

Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the wurst. — Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. — Dave Barry