Dave Barry Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Dave Barry quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Do not put this product in a big

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media,

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Granted, this system is insane, but we must

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Dogs love to go for rides. A dog

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor -

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: If everybody were a guy, the human race

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I think Superman should go on the Larry

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that

In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: When my generation was your age, we took

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates! — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: My problem with chess was that all my

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: A small deer came into my camp and

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: In the words of a very famous dead

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Don't emphasise money if you don't have much;

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I have a friend named Doris who argues,

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I will vote for the first candidate who

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Big business never pays a nickel in taxes,

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his

Stache's attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics - and a big piece if luck. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4

I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4 — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The most powerful force in the universe is

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Proofread carefully to see if you any words

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Your federal government needs your money so that

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: If you answered, 'Spin the Bottle,' then I

If you answered, 'Spin the Bottle,' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: We should call editorials what they are: columns

We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: To people who make moving ads that block

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Culver is a language magnet school. What it's

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: It would be hard to conceive of any

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Regular adult Americans are no more capable of

Regular adult Americans are no more capable of doing math than they are of photosynthesis. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The method preferred by most balding men for

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I don't know what you can possibly do

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely

By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely discredited as a medical procedure; today it is rarely used outside of Miami. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow,

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: This nation is so friendly that the leading

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Never have a dog. Let's not beat around

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: A perfect parent is a person with excellent

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: One key lesson of history is that virtually

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The word user is the word used by

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Any parent that relies on any law to

Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: There comes a time when you should stop

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is

Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: When to arrive at the airport?: You should

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I am not a violent person. I am

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: As the saying goes: "If you're not part

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The population of earth has reached 7 billion

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: As a professional journalist, I have always been

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: It is a scientific fact that your body

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from someone else's plate. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: To an adolescent, there is nothing in the

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: A person who is nice to you, but

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate

Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: And it ain't a man, thought Slank.

And it ain't a man, thought Slank. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby

Land!" shouted Thomas. "Is there food?" asked Tubby Ted. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: We can only be young once. But we

We can only be young once. But we can always be immature. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Life is anything that dies when you stomp

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Never try to put all the chemicals in

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank,

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Chair lifts need to be in some places

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Which, as any American high school student can

Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The places where trails do not exist are

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: A secret society within a secret society.

A secret society within a secret society. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Sign at a New England church: Will the

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The most valuable function performed by the federal

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Remember that being offended is not the same

Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Without good grammar, the United States would have

Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Too many rocks in the mountains.

Too many rocks in the mountains. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: For 41 years I have gone with a

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: I am not the only person who uses

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: The Democrats believe that if God did not

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Our original idea was to write a book

Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Eating in Germany is easy, because there is

Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the wurst. — Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes By Dave Barry: Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. — Dave Barry