Daniel Tosh Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Daniel Tosh quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: My excuse for everything is that I grew

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: No matter how flat you make your pancakes,

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ... — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: When you're in young love your pulse pounds,

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I don't know what fire is made of

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Even the klan revamped their image by losing

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Finding my dog's g spot is taking way

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Do you know there is actually a blood

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: The hardest working person in showbusiness has never

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I will shut down Instagram so girls can't

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: The only thing better than the world's cutest

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Of course the sexiest thing a girl can

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I don't want to develop a personality, just

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: How come New York gets all the cool

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If Canada were really that great, it would

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Is it okay to roofie a girl just

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's

Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I worked in Toronto for two days. And

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Spelling is difficult because there are too many

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I like my women like I like my

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid? — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I really don't work a whole lot as

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Big can be beautiful - just not to

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I have high-definition television, because I felt the

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I've always thought having a kid that played

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Scattergories is second base for Christians. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I grew up in Florida and went to

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: The day I notice a cyclist obey a

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I graduated from college and went on one

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I'm not honest, but you're interesting! — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I have voices in my head, but they're

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: That Asian guy is really good at kicking.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm not a good actor, I can play

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I came up with my own expression. I

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm sick of the media making female sports

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: We owe it to our troops to let

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If you offer me a starring role in

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: You know who makes a great first impression?

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got

Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ... — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm also not good with numbers either, so

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If no meant no then every man would

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry'

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die ... not sorry. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Men who don't understand women fall into two

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Being a white boxer is like being a

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If you look at the Bible and you

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Even people who don't believe in science still

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Face down, ass up, that's the way we

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I wasn't a pain in the ass when

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: You know who likes to get fisted? Sock

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: People write a lot of similar material. That's

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: My father wanted me to have all the

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: High school is just like glee, a bunch

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I have no real talents. If I could

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I can say that. I have a television

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: You know what really shuts up a bully?

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: One day, I want to get rich enough

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Never hit a woman unless you are a

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Racing does to white guys what movies do

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm aware that I should end a joke

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: If it weren't for men, this planet would

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I have no idea why people want to

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Describe your perfect man who looks like me

Describe your perfect man who looks like me ... — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: E foundation to a good friendship is trust

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Until I see proof of this reincarnation or

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: No one dies a virgin, Life screws us

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'll tell you what's better than watching the

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: By the way, nothing I ever say, ever,

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I hope we find a cure for every

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh Quotes By Daniel Tosh: A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth. — Daniel Tosh