Borowitz Quotes
Collection of top 52 famous quotes about Borowitz
Borowitz Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Borowitz quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
— Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
— Andy Borowitz
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
— Andy Borowitz
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
— Andy Borowitz
It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
— Andy Borowitz
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
— Andy Borowitz
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
— Andy Borowitz
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
— Andy Borowitz
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
— Andy Borowitz
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
— Andy Borowitz
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
— Andy Borowitz
Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
— Andy Borowitz
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
— Andy Borowitz
NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
— Andy Borowitz
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
— Andy Borowitz
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
— Andy Borowitz
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
— Andy Borowitz
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
— Andy Borowitz
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
— Andy Borowitz
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
— Andy Borowitz
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
— Andy Borowitz
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
— Andy Borowitz
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
— Andy Borowitz
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
— Andy Borowitz
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
— Andy Borowitz
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
— Andy Borowitz
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
— Andy Borowitz
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
— Andy Borowitz
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
— Andy Borowitz
John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
— Andy Borowitz
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
— Andy Borowitz
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
— Andy Borowitz
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
— Andy Borowitz
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
— Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
— Andy Borowitz
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
— Andy Borowitz
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
— Andy Borowitz
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
— Andy Borowitz
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
— Andy Borowitz
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
— Andy Borowitz
A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
— Andy Borowitz
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
— Andy Borowitz
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
— Andy Borowitz
