Billy Connolly Quotes: top 99 famous quotes about Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Billy Connolly quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet. — Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. — Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. — Billy Connolly

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? — Billy Connolly

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? — Billy Connolly

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? — Billy Connolly

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. — Billy Connolly

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. — Billy Connolly

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes. — Billy Connolly

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around. — Billy Connolly

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher. — Billy Connolly

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you. — Billy Connolly

I've been a poser for f
ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ... — Billy Connolly

Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease. — Billy Connolly

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. — Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? — Billy Connolly

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. — Billy Connolly

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was. — Billy Connolly

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand. — Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. — Billy Connolly

Try to live in a place you like. — Billy Connolly

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex. — Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. — Billy Connolly

The three people I've always wanted to meet are Stephen Fry, Billy Connolly and Steven Gerrard. — Andrew Buchan

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. — Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. — Billy Connolly

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words. — Billy Connolly

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather. — Billy Connolly

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question. — Billy Connolly

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline. — Billy Connolly

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" — Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? — Billy Connolly

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. — Billy Connolly

I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white. — Billy Connolly

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight. — Billy Connolly

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea. — Billy Connolly

A fart is just your arse applauding. — Billy Connolly

Politically correct is the language of cowardice. — Billy Connolly

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. — Billy Connolly

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? — Billy Connolly

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries. — Billy Connolly

Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead. — Billy Connolly

Never trust people who've only got one fucking book. — Billy Connolly

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. — Billy Connolly

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh. — Billy Connolly

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. — Billy Connolly

Don't vote, it only encourages them. — Billy Connolly

Don't die until you're dead. — Billy Connolly

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. — Billy Connolly

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up. — Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. — Billy Connolly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. — Billy Connolly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. — Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life! — Billy Connolly

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires! — Billy Connolly

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow. — Billy Connolly

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. — Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit. — Billy Connolly

Fuck the begrudgers — Billy Connolly

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? — Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. — Billy Connolly

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. — Billy Connolly

Don't work out, work in. — Billy Connolly

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think. — Billy Connolly

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt. — Billy Connolly

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is. — Billy Connolly

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one. — Billy Connolly

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do. — Billy Connolly

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" — Billy Connolly

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. — Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying. — Billy Connolly

I don't aim to offend. — Billy Connolly

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here — Billy Connolly

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. — Billy Connolly

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket. — Billy Connolly

Never trust anybody with only one book. — Billy Connolly

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. — Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. — Billy Connolly

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? — Billy Connolly

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'. — Billy Connolly

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly — Billy Connolly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. — Billy Connolly

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.". — Billy Connolly

The more you know the less the better. — Billy Connolly

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. — Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. — Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra ... I'm never likely to go there. — Billy Connolly

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt. — Billy Connolly

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!! — Billy Connolly

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers. — Billy Connolly

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days. — Billy Connolly

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away. — Billy Connolly

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! — Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. — Billy Connolly

If you give people a chance, they shine. — Billy Connolly