Best George Carlin Quotes: top 50 famous quotes about Best George Carlin

Best George Carlin Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Best George Carlin quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. — George Carlin

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. — George Carlin

Life is not that complicated. — George Carlin

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure — George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! — George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. — George Carlin

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! — George Carlin

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. — George Carlin

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. — George Carlin

The older you get, the better you realize you were. — George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. — George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. — George Carlin

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. — George Carlin

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. — George Carlin

The seven words George Carlin said you couldn't say on TV or radio ("fuck," "piss," "shit," "cunt," "motherfucker," "cocksucker," and "tits"). — Mary Norris

Fuck rational thought — George Carlin

We created god in our own image and likeness! — George Carlin

Most people are not particularly good at anything. — George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. — George Carlin

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. — George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple. — George Carlin

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. — George Carlin

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. — George Carlin

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. — George Carlin

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning. — George Carlin

George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. — Denis Leary

What was the best thing before sliced bread? — George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. — George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. — George Carlin

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. — George Carlin

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. — George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. — George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym? — George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. — George Carlin

And now gay people want to get married ... Haven't they suffered enough? — George Carlin

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven. — George Carlin

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. — George Carlin

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? — George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. — George Carlin

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. — George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? — George Carlin

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. — George Carlin

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. — George Carlin

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. — George Carlin