Best Daniel Tosh Quotes: top 34 famous quotes about Best Daniel Tosh

Best Daniel Tosh Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Best Daniel Tosh quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida. — Daniel Tosh

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones. — Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. — Daniel Tosh

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state. — Daniel Tosh

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. — Daniel Tosh

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. — Daniel Tosh

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. — Daniel Tosh

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. — Daniel Tosh

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! — Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh