Lenny Bruce quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Lenny Bruce on Wise Famous Quotes.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

(On his addiction to opiods): I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

I want to perform an unnatural act.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

When homosexuals were repressed, you got Tennessee Williams. Today's tolerance got you Hilton Perez.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

Life is a four-letter word.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government.

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

People are leaving the church and going back to God.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

Satire is tragedy plus time.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

There are never enough 'I love you's.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.