Doug Stanhope quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Doug Stanhope on Wise Famous Quotes.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Doug Stanhope quotes: There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Doug Stanhope quotes: There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Doug Stanhope quotes: Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Doug Stanhope quotes: It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Doug Stanhope quotes: Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Doug Stanhope quotes: They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Doug Stanhope quotes: AA makes Scientology look credible,

AA makes Scientology look credible,

Doug Stanhope quotes: Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Doug Stanhope quotes: [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Doug Stanhope quotes: That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Doug Stanhope quotes: You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'

Doug Stanhope quotes: I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Doug Stanhope quotes: There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Doug Stanhope quotes: There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Doug Stanhope quotes: I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Doug Stanhope quotes: There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

Doug Stanhope quotes: When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Doug Stanhope quotes: At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Doug Stanhope quotes: When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Doug Stanhope quotes: They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Doug Stanhope quotes: What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

Doug Stanhope quotes: When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Doug Stanhope quotes: You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Doug Stanhope quotes: The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Doug Stanhope quotes: "This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

Doug Stanhope quotes: All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Doug Stanhope quotes: High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Doug Stanhope quotes: So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Children are like poems. They're beautiful to their creators but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Doug Stanhope quotes: My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Doug Stanhope quotes: Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Doug Stanhope quotes: I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Doug Stanhope quotes: Get the right to marry - and then don't.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

Doug Stanhope quotes: What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Doug Stanhope quotes: People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Doug Stanhope quotes: I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Doug Stanhope quotes: If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.