Doug Stanhope quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Doug Stanhope on Wise Famous Quotes.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

AA makes Scientology look credible,

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.'

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts ... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful
to their creators
but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.